i just bullshitted my math final, i wrote a note to the teacher that took up the whole back page saying how he was a great teacher but i cant get through it and i freeze up and get scared cuz math terrifies me, so i stop putting effort in and i always fucking give up and it repeats itself.  my gpa is going to be so low, plus i didn’t do that great in my other classes, i haven’t even registered for my classes next year yet.  I don’t even know why i don’t put in the effort i probably could. I don’t know why i do the things i do.  Am i lazy? Am i confused? Am i just blind to where i’m going? Why don’t i seem to care? I mean i care, obviously because i feel like shit, but i mean…why don’t i just do things everyone seems to be able to do no problem.  I feel like i have no direction and i feel like i’m going nowhere, spending money on repeating shit, spending money on long distance relationships, getting completely fucked over and left with nothing.  Going through the same motions, trying to barely get by in school.  The only look up i’ve had recently is landing a new job, and even then sometimes in the back of my mind i feel like i will just fail at that eventually also.  All i wanna do is skate through life like some lucky motherfuckers who just are rich for nothing or become famous for some shit reason  It sounds terrible and shallow and infantile, but i just feel like so much of me is going to waste, i’m meant for more than this, i have legitimate talents and a heart as big as the world, why can’t i live comfortably and happily with this?  Why does school have to be the seemingly only road to fucking anything?  I feel lonely as fuck too, i’ve never had a girlfriend (whom i really loved) that i can tangibly be with and not have to fly miles to see.  I don’t remember what a non-long distance relationship feels like.  I’m scared of everything right now.  I put effort in all the wrong things, and none of it in all the “right” things i guess.I want to be revered, i want to be honored, i want to make my parents and myself proud.

i’m tired of giving my everything, all my effort, all of my heart into something that just ends up exploiting me or failing me.  i’m tired of not finding the effort to give to things that could no doubt help me in my life like school, i just rarely have motivation.

sometimes i feel like i should do some stupid shit like get involved with drugs so i can fuck myself up and feel like i at least then would have a reason to be such a failure piece of shit.  Ironically, I have incredible parents who try to give me anything i need, i have amazing friends for the most part.  It scares me that i’m almost 23 and still feeling like i have the same problems i did when i was 18.  I hate getting older.  The years are flying by, everything used to be so new. It’s such a beautiful day out and i hate not being able to enjoy it.  Why can’t i have the beautiful girl walking by? Why can’t i be the guy running around on the courtyard lawn playing football with friends probably doing just fine in classes.  Hey when are you graduating? I have no idea, when i stop performing so shitty? When i find myself?  I just want to sing and smile and have someone by my side and get tattoos.  I don’t follow through on anything that can be productive for my life.  I complain yet i have no one to blame and it sickens me.  I wanted to learn drums, but i slacked on making the effort.  I quit skating over the years. I want to be truly happy with myself.  Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk.  i procrastinate to the point of ridiculousness, why don’t i just fucking do things? Why don’t i do well? Where am i? I wish being a genuinely great person was all i needed, i would trade some to just be able to get straight a’s.  To be able to feel stable and successful somewhat.  Even if it meant being a slightly more shitty and less lovable individual.  No i don’t wish that really, but i kinda do you know? I applaud you if you read this whole thing, and if you feel anything like me or have something SO built up inside you, i would reccomend letting it out like i just did, however long it may be.

Thanks Tumblr (even though this will get like 2 notes if i’m lucky probably hah)